More Cantankerisms

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Inquiring gnomes want to mine!

Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.

E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.

I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.

I like angles, but only to a degree.

Cantankerous Minds Want to Know

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Tattoos – Yes or I Don’t Think So?

Today let me take a moment to discuss tattoos. Many people have them and my son’s hobby is being a tattoo artist. He is very artistic and I think he does good work. All of the tattoos in this article are samples of his work. But for me, I have never gotten a tattoo. When I was younger the only people getting tattoos were people in the military, bikers or biker chicks. Now I did have my days of glory riding down the highway with a bike between my legs doing well over 100mph. But my days of rebellion never led me to getting a tattoo.

I have thought about getting one from time to time. Then I think about, do I really want to live with this for the rest of my life? Do I really want to sit and have someone poke me with a needle over and over again? Also, there was the consideration of being looked down upon by prospective employers. And, how drunk does one have to be to get a tattoo? I have been falling down drunk many times with the opportunity to get one and decided no. Of course, my parents were against it.

It still crosses my mind to get one even now though. It is more socially acceptable to have one now. Of course, from what I am told once you have one you want another so I’m not sure I’m in for that kind of a commitment. I would end up looking like the Illustrated Man in Ray Bradbury’s book with tattoos all over my body and then they would come alive and illustrate stories; I don’t think I can handle tattoos coming to life on my skin. No, that’s not for me.

However, I still consider having one. If I was to get one I would do like I have been advised by someone who has many tattoos. First, I would make copies of the tattoo and post them everywhere, on the computer, the refrigerator, the mirror, the car, the door, the wall, the microwave and just about any flat surface which I could find. Then, if after a month I am not thoroughly sick of looking at it I might get it. Also, I would not get something stupid which I will regret for the rest of my life like a heart with an arrow through it with some girl’s name on it. Now that may be okay for you but I think it’s stupid. I would make sure it has meaning to me and was something I found important. I would not get something because I thought it was cool. Cool is a relevant term which usually wears out as the seasons pass. The last thing I would do is make sure the artist is safe, has good hygiene, and does good work. You know the old saying; you get what you pay for.

I know your curiosity is peaked as to what kind of tattoo I would get. There are a few things I have considered as designs for tattoos. Probably the top two would be either a thunderbird similar to the one at the top of this article or a dragon. There are many different dragons I like so I do not have a picture of one of them posted. I am not going to go into the reasoning behind these choices just suffice it to say they do meet my criteria though I have not posted them everywhere and probably would get sick of looking at it.

So, what are your thoughts about tattoos? Do you have one and where is it? Now I don’t want to hear about your Welcome Aboard tattoo on your penis, that’s a joke from that movie which had sailors in it and the captain supposedly had one there. Does anyone remember the movie I’m talking about? Also, do you think I should get one and which one do you think I should get? Not that I really care because I will make up my own mind but I welcome your opinion. Finally, as long as we are talking about the general subject of mutilating oneself, LOL, what do you think about body piercing? Please leave me your thoughts and comments. Take care and have a great day!