Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Alone at Sunset
By Brian, the old man
As I sit beside the ocean’s shore
And watch the setting sun
I ponder things about my life
Am I the only one?
Not a soul in sight that I can see
I sit here all alone
The emptiness of God’s green earth
Not a thing to hear me moan.
What can I do to make me whole
And make things seem alright
I turn to God and cry to Him
Why can’t You see my plight?
I know it’s wrong to question You
About these things I fear
Help me let go and trust in You
Give you the wheel to steer.
I look upon the setting sun
In awe of Your great scene
The colors are so beautiful
The water looks so clean
You help me know, You’re there with me
My faith grows more each day
I give to You my heart and soul
For All these things, I pray.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good caning by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to university, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's Mum has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro gets extra tuition, passes English, goes to University.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. Class action lawsuit filed by anti discrimination commissioner against Education Dept and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model aeroplane paint bottle, blows up an ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - Local police & AFP called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, parents investigated, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during morning tea and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison while Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Today I offer some more of my sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
- Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
- I am having an out of money experience.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
- Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- I am a nutritional overachiever.
- Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
- Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
- Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
- People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
- I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
- I don't get even, I get odder.
- In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
- Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Once more if the idea of not having an even 50 bothers you please remember to take a chisel tip marker and cross out the ones you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse. hAv a Gr8 dAy!
As I search for treasure
Along the ocean shore
I run across a bottle
I hoped for something more
It looks so old and dirty
And has a simple form
I wonder where it came from
When dragged in from the storm
I wonder if a pirate
Had used it for his rum
Or placed a map within it
Pointing to a king’s ransom
I try to see inside it
The glass is full of fog
Could be from a lost sailor
Got hung up in the bog
Or maybe if I clean it
From swimming with the fish
I will find a genie
To grant my every wish
My fantasy is over
I’ll set it on my shelf
The skull looks good next to it
If I do say so myself
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship, they just chicken-scratch. Women use scented colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, and Joe Garagiola's head.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
You can access this image for a large pic on my Flickr at http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2530/3929212331_4ec69d3b11_o.jpg
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
To read the story at NBC Philidelphia's website click here.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs?
Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it anolg in an eimal unisg the epvenole iocn bleow.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Late nights on the Net
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Superior Scribbler
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
TWO = ONE
THREE = ONE
FOUR = FIVE
FIVE = WISHY-WASHY OPINION
SIX = FIVE
SEVEN = AVERAGE
EIGHT = GOOD
NINE = EXCELLENT
TEN = ORGASMIC
FIVE = no opinion
TEN = Yummy
Why do we all want to be number one and then say people are tens when they’re great?
Friday, September 4, 2009
- sign say "I need tickets to the game" and on the other side it says "Tickets for sale!"
- GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
- craigslist "iPod Tough for sale"
- NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
- My comments I make and my opinions are my on but there for sale!
- COWS, CALVES : NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
- My neighbors put their house up for sale. I'm really going to miss their cat
- FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
- One lap kitty for sale - quite fond of digging claws into lap.
- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
- For Sale : Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.
- 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
- Mother for sale. Seriously. I can't take her negativity anymore; I'm barely holding myself together as it were.
- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
- 4 sale - U have 2 pick it up -- Space Junk - Orbiting junk zooms past space station
- my brother is currently for sale :)
- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
- TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME
- Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand
- FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
- WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?: LOL....
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month, Wife knows everything..!!!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Hop on Over, I'll Be There for You
By Brian, the old man
Along the trail
Off to the show
He hears a sound
Stops on the trail
He hops some more
Into a pail
He is so fat
And round you see
He can't get out
Needs help from me
I gently push
the bucket over
He hops right out
Into the clover
He looks once more
As if to say
Thanks my friend
You made my day
I sit and think
He's fat like me
Glad for friends
To set him free
Friends give me hope
Support my goal
To lose the weight
And make me whole
Like my friends
You make me think
To eat healthy
Watch what I drink
Thanks my friend
Enjoy the show