Oldman's Cantankerous Words of Wisdom II

Today I offer some more of my sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


3. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


4. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.


5. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


6. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


8. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.


9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


10. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.


11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


12. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.


13. I am having an out of money experience.


14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


15. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


16. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


18. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


19. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


20. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


21. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.


22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


23. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


25. I am a nutritional overachiever.


26. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


27. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


28. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.


29. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


31. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


32. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


33. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.


34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


35. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.


36. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?


37. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.


38. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.


39. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.


40. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.


41. Indecision is the key to flexibility.


42. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.


43. I don't get even, I get odder.


44. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


45. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


46. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.


47. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


48. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.


49. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


50. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


51. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.


52. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


53. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


54. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Once more if the idea of not having an even 50 bothers you please remember to take a chisel tip marker and cross out the ones you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse. hAv a Gr8 dAy!