More Cantankerisms

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Inquiring gnomes want to mine!

Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.

E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.

I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.

I like angles, but only to a degree.

Oldman's Cantankerous Words of Wisdom II

Today I offer some more of my sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


3. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


4. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.


5. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


6. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


8. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.


9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


10. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.


11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


12. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.


13. I am having an out of money experience.


14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


15. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


16. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


18. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


19. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


20. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


21. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.


22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


23. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


25. I am a nutritional overachiever.


26. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


27. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


28. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.


29. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


31. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


32. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


33. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.


34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


35. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.


36. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?


37. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.


38. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.


39. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.


40. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.


41. Indecision is the key to flexibility.


42. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.


43. I don't get even, I get odder.


44. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


45. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


46. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.


47. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


48. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.


49. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


50. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


51. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.


52. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


53. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


54. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Once more if the idea of not having an even 50 bothers you please remember to take a chisel tip marker and cross out the ones you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse. hAv a Gr8 dAy!

Oldman’s Cantankerous Words of Wisdom

Today I offer my top 50 sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
2) I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
3) Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
4) I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
5) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
6) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
7) I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.
8) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
9) Just think, if it weren't for women, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
10) Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11) If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
12) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
13) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
14) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
15) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
16) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
17) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
18) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
19) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
20) Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
21) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
22) No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
23) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
24) You should not confuse your career with your life.
25) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
26) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
27) Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
28) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
29) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
30) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
31) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
32) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
33) A day without sunshine is like night.
34) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
35) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
36) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
37) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
38) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
39) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
40) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
41) Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
42) Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
43) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
46) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
47) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
48) Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
49) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
50) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
51) Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
52) Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
53) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Yes, I know there are more than 50, who cares? Is it really going to make your day less enjoyable? If so, take a chisel tip marker and cross out the three you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse.

hAv a Gr8 dAy!