More Cantankerisms

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Inquiring gnomes want to mine!

Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.

E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.

I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.

I like angles, but only to a degree.

A Wee Bit of Clean Irish Humor

Here are a few jokes you can share with the children on this St. Patrick's Day.

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare

Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock

Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green

Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant

Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
A: 'Top o' the moaning!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

*************

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Cantankerous Minds Want to Know

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Things My Mother Taught Me

A humorous look at life's lessons. Of course, In reality my mother never taught me these things in this way.

Things My Mother Taught Me
Author Unknown

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3.. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC..
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. '

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way..'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT..
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my all time favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

If you know who the author is please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due.

Oldman's Cantankerous Words of Wisdom II

Today I offer some more of my sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


3. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


4. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.


5. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


6. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


8. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.


9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


10. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.


11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


12. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.


13. I am having an out of money experience.


14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


15. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


16. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


18. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


19. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


20. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


21. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.


22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


23. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


25. I am a nutritional overachiever.


26. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


27. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


28. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.


29. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


31. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


32. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


33. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.


34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


35. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.


36. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?


37. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.


38. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.


39. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.


40. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.


41. Indecision is the key to flexibility.


42. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.


43. I don't get even, I get odder.


44. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


45. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


46. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.


47. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


48. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.


49. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


50. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


51. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.


52. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


53. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


54. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Once more if the idea of not having an even 50 bothers you please remember to take a chisel tip marker and cross out the ones you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse. hAv a Gr8 dAy!

The Battle of the Sexes

I could no longer put it off sharing these humorous points in the battle of the sexes.

I hope this puts a smile on your face and a giggle in your heart.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship, they just chicken-scratch. Women use scented colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, and Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

The Man's Remote

These images and antidotes were taken from various emails I have received. If you know, Please let me know of their origin and I will gladly give them credit.

Oldman’s Cantankerous Words of Wisdom

Today I offer my top 50 sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
2) I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
3) Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
4) I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
5) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
6) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
7) I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.
8) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
9) Just think, if it weren't for women, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
10) Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11) If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
12) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
13) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
14) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
15) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
16) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
17) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
18) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
19) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
20) Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
21) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
22) No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
23) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
24) You should not confuse your career with your life.
25) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
26) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
27) Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
28) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
29) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
30) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
31) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
32) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
33) A day without sunshine is like night.
34) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
35) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
36) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
37) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
38) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
39) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
40) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
41) Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
42) Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
43) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
46) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
47) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
48) Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
49) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
50) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
51) Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
52) Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
53) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Yes, I know there are more than 50, who cares? Is it really going to make your day less enjoyable? If so, take a chisel tip marker and cross out the three you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse.

hAv a Gr8 dAy!