Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

More Cantankerisms

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I hate the country, all those animals walking around un-cooked.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint. The crew are believed to be marooned.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Chopped cabbage - not just a good idea, it's the SLAW.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Inquiring gnomes want to mine!

Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.

E=mc2. - Written underneath it: Very nice, Albert. Next time show your work.

I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?

Most books now say our sun is a star. But how does it know how to change back into a sun in the daytime?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I'm afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive.

I like angles, but only to a degree.

The Amish and the Elevator

An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is that, father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

"Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”

"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Imagination

Some people have an incredible imagination.

While others have way too much time on their hands..

A friend sent me the pics below in an email. I don't know where they came from but some of them are hilarious. I numbered them where you can make up your own captions and put them in the comments. I will comment back with some of my captions later. Have Fun! I did the first one. I had a hard time with it, maybe I'll do better on some of the others. Let your imaginations soar!

1 You call that a knife? This is a knife.

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A Wee Bit of Clean Irish Humor

Here are a few jokes you can share with the children on this St. Patrick's Day.

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare

Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock

Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green

Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant

Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
A: 'Top o' the moaning!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

*************

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St. Patrick's Day!

How Old Is Grandpa?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, .. ... ... and then lived together..

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every
man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual
careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right
and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for
our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege..

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along
with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam..

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????

This man would be only 60 years old.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning..
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'..

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

Wishes That Won't Last

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They all line up, and God asks the first person what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous." God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." God snaps his fingers again and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, with each one asking to be gorgeous. When God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, still laughing.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says, "Make them all ugly again."

AMAZING ANAGRAMS

These have got to be some of the most clever anagrams I've seen. Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.(Wait till you see the last one)!

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

The Island of Trid

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.

It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.

The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.

The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.

One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.

The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.

The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."

The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.

The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.

He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.

He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.

Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"

And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

A Bit of Thanksgiving Humor

A Thanksgiving Meal Blessing

A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded him that they hadn't prayed.

"We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good cook!"


Thanksgiving Blessings

All the grand kids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.

Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.

When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."


Thanksgiving Prayer

A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.

Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Please visit Oldman's Poetry Corner for my newest poem, Thanksgiving Reflection.

Mischievous Youngsters

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.

So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Advice for Women Concerning Men

Here are 10 pieces of advice for your mom, daughters, granddaughters, mieces, aunts, girlfriends, etc....


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2.. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Assistance from Above?

A devoted and religious man was riding his horse one day hurriedly down the road, trying not to be late for church because he did not want to miss a single word of the pastor's sermon that morning. Suddenly, his horse stumbled on a stump in the road and threw him to the ground.

As he was lying in the middle of the road, his body bruised and scraped and his back wrenched in extreme pain, he called out to the heavens, “Please Lord, send me all your angels in heaven to help me get back up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back however his force was so extreme he fell off the other side.

Again on the ground he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

Kids Are So Clever

This was reported as a true story. If so, these kids are quite inventive and will probably be the next great entrepreneurs.


A policeman had a perfect hiding place to screen speeding drivers. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer investigated : a 9 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said "SPEED CAMERA AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's partner in crime, another boy about 200 meters beyond the speed camera with a sign reading "TIPS" & a bucket at his feet full of coins.

Cantankerous Minds Want to Know

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

FBI Agents and Pizza Man

This is reported as a true story.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Francisco that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the group of agents got quite hungry. The FBI was taping all conversations at the hospital, this is what was recorded when the agent in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 20 large pizzas and 70 cans of coke.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the psychiatric hospital please.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and cokes to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.

Kitchen Wisdom

Martha Stewart and Maxine offer their words of wisdom on various tips to help you out in the kitchen.


Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!


To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.


When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!


If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, y ou will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'


Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!


Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.


Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!


If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.


Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!