Cantankerous Minds Want to Know

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Kitchen Wisdom

Martha Stewart and Maxine offer their words of wisdom on various tips to help you out in the kitchen.


Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!


To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.


When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!


If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, y ou will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'


Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!


Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.


Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!


If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.


Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

SUPERSTITIONS

Here are a few superstitions to keep in mind through this Halloween season.

• Do not sit under a Hawthorn tree on Halloween if you do not want to be enchanted or carried away by faeries, but to release a person from ghost or faerie possession, throw dust from your footprint at them.
• To prevent ghosts coming into the house at Halloween, bury animal bones or a picture of an animal near the doorway.
• It is told that owls ate the souls of the dying by swooping to earth on Halloween.
• A clear moon on Halloween means fine weather ahead. Clouds racing across the face of the moon mean storms are on the way and the wind at midnight indicates the prevailing wind for the coming season.
• Seeing a spider on Halloween means that the spider could be the spirit of a deceased loved one who is watching you.
• On Halloween Don't: Go hunting.
• Go to a crossroads at Halloween and listen to the wind, you will learn all the most important things that will befall you during the next twelve months.
• Halloween babies have the gift of second sight.
• At Halloween all family members should put an ivy leaf without spot or stain into a glass of water overnight. If the leaf is still spotless in the morning, the person is assured of life for another year but if the leaf has spots on it, the person who put it in the water will die within one year.
• You should walk around your home three times backwards and counterclockwise before sunset on Halloween to ward off evil spirits.
• Like at anytime, bells ward off evil spirits.
• If a candle flame turns blue there is a ghost about.
• On Halloween Don't: Watch your shadow in the moonlight.
• When bobbing for apples, or when apple snapping, it is believed that the first person to bite an apple would be the first to marry.
• On the morning of November 1st throw a silver coin through the front door of the house. The coin has to remain where it has fallen in order to bring financial luck.
• On Halloween Don't: Turn around to see who is behind you.
• Unless you were born in October, the wearing of an Opal will be very ill-fated.
• It is lucky to catch the falling leaves from trees in autumn; for every leaf that you catch before it hits the ground, you will have a lucky month the following year.

Happy Halloween!!!

Things My Mother Taught Me

A humorous look at life's lessons. Of course, In reality my mother never taught me these things in this way.

Things My Mother Taught Me
Author Unknown

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3.. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC..
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. '

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way..'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT..
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my all time favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

If you know who the author is please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due.

Oldman's Cantankerous Words of Wisdom II

Today I offer some more of my sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


3. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


4. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.


5. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


6. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


8. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.


9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


10. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.


11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


12. There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.


13. I am having an out of money experience.


14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


15. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


16. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


18. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


19. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


20. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


21. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.


22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


23. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


25. I am a nutritional overachiever.


26. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


27. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


28. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.


29. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


31. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


32. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


33. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.


34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


35. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.


36. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?


37. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.


38. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.


39. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.


40. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.


41. Indecision is the key to flexibility.


42. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.


43. I don't get even, I get odder.


44. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


45. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


46. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.


47. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


48. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.


49. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


50. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


51. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.


52. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


53. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


54. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Once more if the idea of not having an even 50 bothers you please remember to take a chisel tip marker and cross out the ones you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse. hAv a Gr8 dAy!

Oldman’s Cantankerous Words of Wisdom

Today I offer my top 50 sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
2) I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
3) Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
4) I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
5) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
6) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
7) I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.
8) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
9) Just think, if it weren't for women, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
10) Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11) If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
12) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
13) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
14) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
15) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
16) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
17) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
18) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
19) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
20) Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
21) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
22) No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
23) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
24) You should not confuse your career with your life.
25) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
26) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
27) Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
28) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
29) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
30) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
31) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
32) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
33) A day without sunshine is like night.
34) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
35) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
36) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
37) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
38) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
39) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
40) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
41) Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
42) Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
43) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
46) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
47) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
48) Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
49) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
50) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
51) Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
52) Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
53) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Yes, I know there are more than 50, who cares? Is it really going to make your day less enjoyable? If so, take a chisel tip marker and cross out the three you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse.

hAv a Gr8 dAy!