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Monday, August 17, 2009

Oldman’s Cantankerous Words of Wisdom

Today I offer my top 50 sarcastic, cantankerous, ironical, cynical, contemptuous words of wisdom I have collected from various places.

1) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
2) I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
3) Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
4) I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
5) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
6) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
7) I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.
8) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
9) Just think, if it weren't for women, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
10) Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11) If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
12) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
13) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
14) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
15) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
16) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
17) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
18) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
19) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
20) Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
21) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
22) No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
23) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
24) You should not confuse your career with your life.
25) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
26) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
27) Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
28) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
29) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
30) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
31) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
32) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
33) A day without sunshine is like night.
34) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
35) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
36) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
37) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
38) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
39) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
40) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
41) Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
42) Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
43) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
46) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
47) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
48) Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
49) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
50) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
51) Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
52) Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
53) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Yes, I know there are more than 50, who cares? Is it really going to make your day less enjoyable? If so, take a chisel tip marker and cross out the three you like the least. But don’t blame me if the line doesn’t move as you scroll your mouse.

hAv a Gr8 dAy!


  1. Cool,funny and witty.Really good stuff.Food for thought.Thanks for sharing!

  2. omg, this is awesomely funny!


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